By Russ Hill
Someday when he is older my little boy will become more interested in his middle name. He will wonder why we chose it for him.
As we celebrated Colby’s life beginning we were mourning a life that ended far too soon. Colby’s uncle, my wife’s brother, chose to exit this world before any of us knew how tragically unhappy he was living in it.
I’ve been reflecting on that moment of our lives as acquaintances of ours prepare for the funeral of their teenage son. In a moment, all light in the world vanished. For those who knew him the pain is unspeakable. The questions are unanswerable.
We all acknowledge we are losing too many sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, moms, and dads prematurely.
What can we do to stop or at least slow down the trend?
what i learned as an lds bishop
During the time I spent as a bishop in the LDS Church I had experiences that convinced me we can do so much more to not only save more of our young people but to save and strengthen all of our relationships.
I learned that things were not usually as they appeared. I began to believe that most of us have things we are hiding. We are hiding them because we are convinced people will think less of us if they know everything about us.
Here’s the reality: all of us have done things we are ashamed of. We have habits we wish we had never developed. We don’t share all of the same beliefs people close to us hold. We aren’t as strong mentally or emotionally as others think we are. We have doubts and fears that we think are better left unspoken. We are experiencing pain that we don’t want to burden others with. We have changed in ways that we believe others wouldn’t understand why.
Most of these things remain unspoken. We hold them in. We hide them.
We pretend to be someone we really aren’t.
Silence Leads to Distance
We maintain silence about whatever it is we are hiding from the world.
The silence leads to pain. And distance.
Eventually, but not always, a moment arrives when we decide the truth must be revealed.
Finally, we feel free! We have been liberated!
The truth is out. The real us has been revealed.
The darkness that has developed within and around us vanishes. We notice colors and detail in the world around us that we have not seen for months or years or decades.
We feel wonderful. And, yet the individuals we have just been honest with often feel pain.
They feel let down. They wonder how we could possibly be so different from who they had hoped we were. They feel betrayed by the truth we have kept secluded. As our world becomes filled with light they feel surrounded by darkness and disappointment.
Some amongst us never want to experience that moment of bringing disappointment to others and opt to never be honest.
the change begins with each of us
It doesn’t have to be this way.
We can change this pattern.
We must change this pattern.
The change will begin with you – with each of us – giving permission to each other to be flawed, to be a work in progress, to hold different beliefs than we hold, to have doubts and uncertainty.
When we grant each other that permission the space between us shrinks.
When we grant each other that permission no one feels the need to hide anything.
Granting that permission means that when someone chooses something different than what we expected or desired we seek to genuinely understand their decision not to change it.
Granting that permission means giving people space to make mistakes, realize they were mistakes, and learn from them.
Granting that permission means to not define people by their weakest moment or remind them of it.
Granting that permission means expecting and not resenting differences in the way we think.
I acknowledge that there are permanent changes and choices that people close to us can make that violate our personal values so severely that we should be less concerned about understanding them then limiting the damage caused by them and going a separate path. They are rare.
Let me be clear also that this post is not about what could or should have been done to prevent the tragic and heartbreaking death of anyone. There are absolutely no answers to those questions.
This is Me
It is interesting that one of the most popular songs of one of the most popular movies right now is an anthem that beckons anyone hiding in the dark to come into the light. Some people mistakenly think the song speaks on behalf of a sliver of society. I think it is an anthem that represents the experiences of most of us.
You likely know the song well but read the words again and consider why they are connecting with so many people - especially our young people.
I am not a stranger to the dark.
Hide away - they say - ‘cause we don’t want your broken parts.
I’ve learned to be ashamed of all my scars.
Run away - they say - no one’ll love you as you are.
But, I won’t let them break me down to dust.
I know that there’s a place for us.
For we are glorious!
I am brave.
I am bruised.
I am who I’m meant to be.
This is me.
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